#70 - After the fires redux (it's so familiar...)

Another Fire come and gone.  Boy, the Kincade was so well handled, and so big.  And once again, we were so fortunate to come through it unscathed.

Now, a month later, we're about to get the first big storm of the season and, wait for it, flash flood watches in the burn areas.  Welcome to California.

I just spent about an hour polishing the silver for the upcoming family feast.  There's something so familiar about that, in the truest form of that word.  "Fa-mil-liar" from the Latin for "household servants, family."  Every time I get out (or in this case, bought a new) jar of "Silver Cream," I am transported back to the big house, and the Duncan Phyfe table where all the silver would be laid out.  I learned to polish the silver before the holidays and every celebration.  The Original Vault Goddess schlepped up a load of silver for our wedding, where it was beautifully used in our Mission District backyard on cart tables and loaded with food that we neglected to find the time to eat because we were schmoozing with everyone first.  But I digress.

Gearing up for the holidays.  Both our sons are home and it is so familiar to have them here.  We are playing and enjoying ourselves and each other and taking things as they come.  No worries, no drama, no trauma.  Thankful.

And familiar.

#69 - it's it.

Wow.  I'm self-impressed to be taking fingers to keys for two weeks in a row.  Oh, is it?  Yes - miss you Ghosh.

Inhale.  Exhale.

What is it?

When one door closes, another opens, right? That's what they say.


Yeah, well, the best laid plans, right?  That WAS more than 2 weeks ago and another page has turned on the calendar.  It's now October, and boy does it feel like it.  Mornings are 46 degrees out, and though it was 81 when I left work, now, at 6 pm, it's back down to just about the number of this post. 

Had a bittersweet finale to The Humans.  Man, I love those people.  So happy to have had one of those rare and beautiful moments in theatre, when everyone gels and the show is so real and unreal, and touches people (one way or another).  Miss you monsters!!!

In the meantime, we've uncovered and become reunited with our pool room. And I went and played pool in the league for my friend the lovely Mrs. Blair while she was out of town.  Strange to step up to the table in a match again.

This is a rare evening when I have nothing on the agenda.  Oh, well, the A's are playing in a wildcard baseball playoff game, and this Sunday, I get to actually watch the 49ers, who are, wait for it -- UNDEFEATED so far this season.

It's good to just be.  It's it, alright.

Let's see what we can accomplish in the Vault....

#68 - The one where I realized I lost a whole year

Boy, self-reflection is an interesting Karma. I am just breathing now.  After the vortex of life and death and hopes and dreams and endings and beginnings that have been the last few weeks, I am just breathing.  And reflecting.  And self-reflecting.

I started by re-reading this blog, moving backwards through time.  Can I just say that it's been a bone I've wanted to pick for a long time about how I've structured this blog.  I wish I could just have the pages set up like a book, so anyone could move forward from the beginning, as opposed to moving backwards one post at a time.  But I digress.

I am a repetitive writer.  I see myself re-writing over and over how much I'm working to "purge and organize" and "continue to find my creative self" and "waiting to see what I want to be when I grow up."  But I know I AM grown up.  I am the master of my destiny.  "Your place in the path of life is in the driver's seat" - that's the fortune I've had pinned to whatever my current computer is (dragged from one to the next) for the last 28 years or so.

As I looked over the sporadic (and I do mean sporadic - sometimes only 2 for an entire year) blog posts, I realized that I had nothing for the entire 2016.  A whole year of my life not published.  Not mentioned.  Not even a brief "if I could only get back to this blog" post. Even the few years surrounding that time?  One post in 2014.  Few in 2013.  Few in 2015. Like a giant block of swiss cheese - loads of holes here, there, everywhere.

"What are you doing the rest of your life?  The north and south and east and west of your life? ..."

#67 - "So this is what lies beneath..."

Months and months go by and oh boy, here we go into the whirlwind.

Life changes, the wind blows and things are all different now.  It's been a horrific and fantastic week, all in one.

The Vault goddess is smiling down on me for sure, along with the Imperial Man, and now, recently joined by the last of the wonderful kitties. 



Buddy was my longest pet relationship - 16 years from kittenhood into curmudgeonly old cat.  Over a week ago, he disappears, and it took 2 days to find him, under the deck in exceptionally mauled condition.  The vet said it had all the signs of a raccoon attack.  Stitches from his eye to his mouth, nasal puncture, his entire upper gum sheared with stitches inside his mouth.  A horrible week of trying so hard to nurse him back, 4 trips and a small used car to the vet later, and Wednesday afternoon, he had a horrible seizing arched body, followed up a cauterwalling wail 3 times, and as I picked him up, he died in my arms.  I can never unsee that.  I'm trying so hard to remind myself we did what we thought was right. 

Only a week before, he was frolicking in the garden doing what he loved;  he'd caught a large mouse/baby rat and was walking around with him, releasing it and recatching it.  He was a mouser to the end.  Well, except for the end that didn't allow anything like that.  Rest in peace with all the other kitties we've loved and lost.




All this in the midst of dress rehearsal week leading to our opening on Friday night in a show I'm so honored and proud to have been chosen to bring to life:  The Humans.  Bravo to NTC for taking such a huge risk and mounting this dark, warm and realistic until it isn't show.  Our director, the so amazingly talented Pat Nims, said he believes this is destined to be a new classic in American Theatre and I totally agree.  I am so grateful to have had the need to stay with it during this horrible awful fantastic week.

My opening was my husband's closing  - he's finally DONE driving daily to and fro SF now.  The commute, which was horrible for me for 14 years (but I was able to telecommute a lot of the time) became unbearable for him. 

Now, maybe we'll get back to the Vault (and the Imperial Man's treasure trove as well).  Let's see what happens next.

#66 -Who's your daddy?

Well, once again, way too much time between blog posts.  One of these days, I may get it right and get in the rhythm of writing every day.

Recently returned from our whirlwind Canadian/Chicago vacay, and a crazy (even though it was short) week of work, and now it's that day.  Father's day.  It has been a thorn in my side for many, many years. I love my husband and he's the most awesome and wonderful father to our sons.  I can't imagine having a better dad for my boys.  He is so not like either his or my father.

But when this day rolls around, and people have social media posts of loving men, amazing dads, men who would make their children feel always safe, always loved, always cherished.  But my father? The giant clam. The liar. The embezzler.  The artist. The father in absentia. The alcoholic. The man who was like two different people.

So, the best thing he did was give me two half-sisters, though that too can be a big mixed bag. They have each other and so much family, and I, well frankly, don't. I can never be as close to them as they are to each other, something that was painfully born out last weekend when one got hitched (#2 for her).  Wonderful to see all HER family, and they are dear and friendly and act like we are close friends.  But we aren't family.

I'm sure people who have lost their father in tragic circumstances, those who had an abusive father or didn't have any father at all growing up, also dread this day.  Celebrating something that was lost, or distancing themselves from the pain of what that relationship was like, or a connection that never existed for them.  For me, I have so few good memories of my dad. And I try valiantly to forget about the pain, the sense of abandonment, the visions of his perfection and generosity as a dad to my sisters after he dropped us as his "family."  And yet, I felt so much closer to HIS parents than my mother's parents.

I can't heal that pain.  It will never go away.  I just let it fade into the background.

#65 - is that all there is?

I'm in the midst of spelunking on the interwebs for music for my darling mom-in-law (really, the only mom I have right now).  It's her big NINE-OH coming up in a few short weeks, and I hope to put together an iMovie presentation for her birthday.  Not the same thing as I did for my dearling (yes, he is a dearling) hubby's big SIX-OH, but not too far off from that.

Today was planting day at the plottery, and it was grand.  But messy.  I came away with wet dirt on my casual jacket (which I'd worn on purpose).  I'll have to be more careful, but honestly, it's damned hard to do that when we have the corner of an L shaped plot, and we can hardly reach into the center of it (who designed these things?  it's nuts!).

I was thrilled to hear from my amazing muse and friend Daphne, who writes romance novels but is currently on the "vacation that's not a vacation when you have ankle surgery." She's reading about the Vault!  Ah, an audience.  Maybe this means you like me, you really like me...

We sojourn down to LaLa land this weekend to assist the young one with the final packing before the move.  It will be bittersweet, with a wonderful dinner in store, and the final visit to the S&W Country Diner (highly recommended if you're in downtown Culver anytime in the near or far future).  They've been so good to him and he's been an amazing regular patron for 4 years now (wow - has it been that long?  I think it has).  It will be strange not to have him so close, or being able to pop down for a quick weekend.  This will be the last one...at least for a while.  And we can still take a trip to see his big bro a bit farther down the coast.

Ok, off to pay the bills and get a shoulder massage.  I unloaded several pots and barrels of dirt this weekend and it's really unbelievable how much your muscles ache when you never use them!

Motivation to break old habits and start new ones is there - I just have to kick-start it.

#64 - "Then, a week later..."

Wow - what a difference a week makes!  168 little hours...

Well, on Pi Day, he decided to go east, young man.  It's going to be a great opportunity, and it'll be the same time to get there by plane as it was by car, to visit him in LaLa land. I am excited for him about the next phase and hope to have many visits to Beantown.

Spent such a great playdate with my 818 sisters.  And the field trip to Jingletown in Oaktown was amazing.  When I see beautiful mosaics, it makes me want to do nothing but THAT.  Would that I could and not be working for the man (or the machines) anymore.

It's a stunningly beautiful day, and I'm thrilled to know that I will have access to a second garden, since my friend and I won the "plottery" at the employee raised bed gardens at the office.

Spring is springing, and as it's my usual season and my natal return, it energizes me. What will tomorrow bring?  And when will we finally spelunk and purge the Vault?  The original Vault goddesses' birthday approaches as well.  I think of her often, almost daily, still 11 years gone.

Going to audition tomorrow anyway, just for the "halibut" as my lovely spousal unit would so eloquently definite it.  He does espouse the pun in all forms.

Off to pull weeds.  Must keep that in mind;  cleaning the yard cleans my mind and self as well.

#63 - WHAT TO DO?

What.to.do?

That's a phrase that the eldest son uses (in his Hindian accent that is). And so many of us have this fascination and wonderful memory of his utilizing that phraseology so frequently, the lyrical quality of his vocal inflection and the smile he get when he says it.  ("Yes, well, what to do? "was the end of a long involved story so often during his visits). But it's timely about a lot of things.


What to do now when I haven't done this is in oh, so long?

Can't hardly believe it's been (ok, waaaaaaaay too long) almost 2-1/2 months since I barely typed anything.  I'm so envious of those who can just sit down at a blank page and let it all come pouring out.  There are times I can find myself in those shoes (like now), though the shoes are a bit muddy and wet from a quick garden jaunt between storms.


What to DO? or more correctly, what will HE do?

Ah yes, that's the ticket.  That's what I'm wondering about the youngest.  What will he do?  How will that change him and me and the family dynamic?  Speaking of dynamics, the lovely and talented dear friend who left her heart in San Francisco and up-ended her self and husband and moved to the land of the Car-nay-gi's has just become a Bubbe.  Mazel Tov to the whole family.


What to do?  Why make a baby quilt of course.

I stopped by the fabric store to get the wonderful warm quilt filler (all natural wool of course) that I've used for all the baby quilts I've made.  Following the original Vault Goddess in that respect (who I guess was following the queen mother of the original Vault Goddess as well), I learned the technique from her and continue on that tradition, along with bits and pieces of one of the original quilts made for my youngest, with fabric purchased during her sojourn to Japan.  I think of the Vault Goddess every time I see those fabrics, and imagine the queen mother AND Vault Goddess guiding my hands as I cut, pin, stitch and create yet another gift of wonder for a new addition to the planet.



(What) TO DO - or NOT to do - that is the question.

Oh, life does beat its petty pace from day to day, but the days compress as time goes on, that's for sure. How much money is enough?  Could I just quit my job and begin to live the way I want to?  Not in the US without health insurance, that's for sure.  Truly, it's why I'm still working.  I envy my betrothed, who will be "retiring" in 7 short months.  Wow. I wonder what he will DO to fill the days, while I continue to provide the health insurance (and a few other things), but schlep to work 5 out of every 7.

And what will I do then? It's never too late to begin AGAIN, is it?

Hopefully, I'll figure out what I want to BE when I grow up - sometime soon.

And then I can JUST DO IT!

#62 - Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes

Well, it's been waaaaaaaay too long since I've climbed into the Vault again, and so much has happened in only 365 short days.  New job, new shows, new garden, new journeys.

I tell myself I do need to get back to doing this.  To writing.  To Vault spelunking.  To improve and look forward to the journey.

Let's see if I can really keep it up.

Happy New Year all.